Father's Day

In June of 1998, I never imagined it would be the last Father's Day I would get to celebrate with my dad.  In December 1998, he lost his battle with cancer after being diagnosed in August of that same year.

I started thinking back today on memories that we had shared.  My very first memory I have is when I was 4 years old.  My brother was in the hospital because he had his tonsils taken out so my mom was with him.  Daddy and I were eating out and the only thing I remember is that I had a chocolate shake and Daddy had a beer.  I do remember where we were just can't remember the name of the place.  I also don't remember what we ate but just what we had to drink.

There were numerous times that I went deer hunting with Daddy.  Never shot anything and I don't think he ever shot very many deer either when I was with him.  There was one time he shot a deer and he said we would tell every body I had shot it.  It was in the hill country.  So we get back to camp and Daddy starts telling everyone I shot this deer.  So this being the "first" deer I had shot, a big deal was made of it.  Including pictures taken, etc.  Well me being the honest little Catholic girl I was--Mom was in the camp house by herself so I go in there and just start bawling my eyes out telling her I didn't shoot the deer.  And she said she already knew that.  (See mom's do know everything.)  See I didn't know this--but it being a rather small deer Daddy wanted every one to think I shot it instead of him.  Mom knew that and told me and I don't remember exactly what she said but I felt much better after talking to her.  On a side note--as of this day--I still haven't shot a deer!

A lot of my memories of daddy are at deer camp because he so enjoyed going there.  There was the first time Don went hunting in South Texas with us.  It was in 1990--the same year we got married.  Don shot a really nice buck and I don't know who was more excited about it--Don or Daddy.  I just remember Daddy being so happy and excited that Don shot the deer.


And speaking of deer camp, when Daddy first started hunting--wives were not allowed opening weekend.  Then after a few years, the wives could go but kids couldn't.  And then we had Ashlie and Courtnie--and what do you know--they were allowed to go opening weekend.  Never have figured that one out--how the kids were never allowed to go but the grandkids could.  Well I do now--Daddy was just a "little" proud of those granddaughters and would take them any place he could.  

Daddy also introduced me to one of my best friends.  Jan's dad was running Hilltop (a beer joint) that my dad frequented quite often.  When Jan moved here, her dad talked to my Dad about her and we met--yes at Hilltop.  Now how many people do you know that their dad's introduce them to a person who will become their best friends at a beer joint?  Not many that I know of!

Ashlie and Courtnie--where do I begin with them?  Ashlie was barely a week old and Daddy called up one day and said pack your things I'm driving to Houston to pick you two up.  So we did and Daddy came and picked us up and we went to La Grange and spent time with him and Mom.  He did that quite often.   When the girls got older he would come get them on his seven days off and watch them while Mom worked.  Those girls meant the world to him and I sometimes had a hard time understanding why he spent so much time with them when he didn't with me when I was younger.  And once again Mom said--it's because he was so young when he had us that he didn't really know what to do.  Once the girls came along--he realized what he was missing out on and was, I guess sort of, trying to make up for lost time.  I must be honest--it took me a while to come to grips with that and it probably didn't really happen until after Alan died.

As you may have noticed--I only talked about the girls and not our boys.  Well unfortunately, very unfortunately--Daddy died before we had the boys.  After Alan died--a lot of people said--he has your Daddy up there to take care of him.  And at first--I didn't get any comfort from that because of the way I felt about him with me when I was younger.  But in talking to my doctor--she said--think of how he was with your girls and how much time he spent with them.  And after I thought about that for a while--I did come to realize that, yes Daddy was taking care of Alan and I didn't need to worry about Alan being alone.  (A fear a lot of us mom's have when our babies die.)

Just this past weekend, Mom and I were talking about reincarnation and we honestly think Cayden is a reincarnation of Daddy.  So many things he does or says or acts like, reminds us so much of Daddy it's like we still have him here with us.  I know Daddy was proud of our girls and so happy that we had them but I can only imagine how much pride he would be bursting with the time he could spend with Cayden.  I'm sure by now at 3 years old, that Cayden would already have shot his first deer!  


So as I have gotten older, I have realized that Daddy was the best dad he could be to us with what he knew.  He spent so much time with our girls that I could see what kind of dad he really wanted to be.  I do miss my Daddy but I really miss him more for our kids.  I just hate the thought of all the fun times and adventures they are missing out because he left us way too soon.

There were also three other special men in my life--my grandfathers and my father-in-law.
A special memory for each one--
Grandpa Zim--I remember any time he left the house, whether to got to work or to town or even just outside--he would kiss Granny Zim and say I love you hon.  
Grandpa Schultz--All those times he took Steve, Cindy and myself to the laundromat.  We would usually end up racing around in the carts they had their for the clothes and Grandpa would swear he would never take us again for the way we acted, but he always did.
Roy--he said one of the nicest things to me when we told them we were pregnant with Cayden and I never did tell him how much it meant to me.  After we made our announcement--he said--So are you going to try for another boy?  That made my heart swell so much realizing that he did think about Alan and had not forgotten about him.   I guess he now knows how much it meant to me, I just wish I could have told him myself.

And I must conclude with the wonderful man I married--Don is such a wonderful father to our three kids we have here with us.  They can ask him for the moon and he would give it to them if he could.  And even though he doesn't talk about Alan much, I do know just my some of the things he has done, that he's never far from his mind either.

I feel so blessed to have had or have these men in my life.  I am a better person for having met each one.

HAPPY FATHER'S DAY!!!

Easter & Mother's Day

I remember my first Easter after Alan died.  It was the most difficult day ever.  I just remember being so angry.  One of my cousin's was pregnant with her 2nd child.  Another cousin had a child that was 1 or 2 years old.  And here I was--not having my child.  Ever since then I have had a love/hate relationship with Easter.  I understand the biblical meaning behind Easter and that is not where my hate relies.  It's with the whole Easter egg hunt thing.  Where did this even come from?  I always stress out about having a hunt when we celebrate Easter with my mom.  And most times we opt out because there is such a huge one with my in-laws.    I do go through the motions because of my kids but it's just a difficult day all around for me.  It's one of those days that I am just relieved when it is over.


Mother's Day is a difficult day for all us mom's who have lost a child.  To be celebrating a day for mother's when one of your children isn't here can be bittersweet.  For me, however, it has not always been so hard.  I have always tried to make it a day for me but I wouldn't be a mother were it not for my living children as well.  So yes I do remember Alan on this day, but I am still mothering the three that I have here with me.  Alan is in such a better place than all of us so I feel my time needs to be devoted to my kids here on Earth for as long as I am allowed.
Each year-the Saturday before Mother's Day we invite our mom's and other family members over to celebrate Mother's Day with them.  This then gives me Sunday to enjoy for myself and with just my family.  This year I also went to the circus with my kids on Saturday.
This year it so happened that my mom was here on Sunday as well.  We started out by going to mass.  And then instead of going out to eat, I decided I would much rather cook and us eat at home.  Mom and I really enjoy cooking together.  We made baked fish with lemon and garlic and even tried making a kind of rice pilaf.  It was one of the best meals I have had and really enjoyed the time sitting at the table with everyone and not having someone bothering us about if we needed any thing or if we were finished and rushing us out for the next customer.
This year I decided to let each child have an hour of time with me only.  I told them they could decide where we would go or what we would do.  It was more for Ashlie and Courtnie than Cayden because Cayden has a lot of my time.  And Cayden and I  had a really nice hour in mass that morning.
Ashlie decided we would go to Barnes & Noble.  So we went and walked around the store.  Picked up books, put them down, picked up another book, put it down, etc.  Ashlie found a book titled "A guide to reading the Bible book by book".  Which I will blog about later.  And who can go to B&N with out getting a drink from Starbucks.  It was a fun time even if for only an hour--and made me decided I need to do that more often.
Courtnie was not feeling well so she got a rain check and I am looking forward to my time with her.


My wish tonight is for all mother's, whether your children are here on Earth or in Heaven, a very gentle night.  And especially for those mother's who are newly grieving--know my heart aches for you.  Just wishing you peaceful days ahead.

 

The Big Announcements

It's been a busy few weeks around the Huelsebusch household lately.  Not only are we coming up on the end of the school year, but I am adjusting to my new job and we made the decision to allow Ashlie to go to TAMS for the next two years.


For Ashlie--this was just too huge of an opportunity to not let her go.  It will be such an awesome experience for her.  Yes she will more than likely be exposed to some things that she has been sheltered from these last 11 years in a Catholic school.  But at some point-it will happen. Sooner than I thought but I think she will handle it just fine.  She has such a strong faith and I know this will be a huge asset to her as she enters this new adventure in her life.  I also recently found out that a former SJCS teacher's parents live in Denton and they have offered any assistance to Ashlie that she will need.  The also said they will introduce her to the youth minister at the Catholic church.  I learned this probably a day or so before we had to send in the papers for Ashlie and I must say I felt like it was a sign from God--letting us know that she will have someone a bit closer to watch over her as well.
So--come August--we will be one less child as well as losing my driver.  I know I wasn't so keen on it in the beginning but it did not take long getting used to her being able to either take herself or her siblings places on her own or running errands for me.


I am adjusting to my new job quite well.  It is a totally different environment at HSC compared to the RF.  The main thing is way the building is laid out.  We have our own suite of offices and I am in an office by myself with the exception of a student that comes in two or three times a week.  And the second thing is the noise.  There just isn't any in our suite.  There aren't phones ringing or people walking around and stopping and talking.  It is probably the easiest adjustment for me.  After Alan died--for some reason (even though I hear it is quite normal) noises bother me now.  And it's not necessarily loud noises---just any type of noise.  So I really do appreciate this aspect of my new environment.  
The work is quite different as well.  It is really neat to be on the other side of the research.  I have learned so much in the past week and a half.  A lot has been about the type of research Dr. Sharkey and his team is involved in.  And it is quite interesting.  


So in our family--yes it has been busy--but it's also been fun and interesting.  
Wishing everyone a peaceful week!

My big announcement

I haven't blogged in a while and it's because of my BIG announcement.
I got a new JOB!!!!!  I've sort of suspected it may happen but wasn't sure until last week.
I owe a huge thanks to my dear friend, Martha.
She put in a good word with me to Dr. Sharkey and he offered me a position to work on the administration side of his research grants.  I will be working at the Health Science Center--School of Rural Public Health.
I have made some fantastic friends at the Research Foundation and I will truly miss them the most.
This is huge for me and really does have a lot to do with Alan.  Losing him made me realize that I needed some sort of change.  It's been 5 years in the making and finally came full circle.
I am so excited for this new opportunity and can't wait to begin.
I started at the RF on 3/3/03 and I will start at HSC on 5/5/11.

Ashlie's big announcement

Ashlie applied to the Texas Academy of Mathematics and Sciences (TAMS) several months ago.  I thought she would apply and just receive a letter--thanks for applying but you do not meet our qualifications.  Well to my surprise--Ashlie got an invitation to interview day.  Don went with her and again I thought, well she's just going to go and they will say thanks for coming but you do not meet our qualifications.  


This mother is eating her words.  Ashlie was ACCEPTED to attend this outstanding high school. 


TAMS is a where a student attends for their junior and senior year of  high school at the University of North Texas in Denton.  The students take college courses and once they graduate from TAMS they earn at least 57 hours of college credit.


Ashlie is really excited about going but Don and I have not said yes for sure.  We have two weeks to discuss this outstanding opportunity and the pros and cons.  She would move to Denton for the next two years and live in a dorm on campus.


I do realize this is an excellent opportunity for her and do not wish to hold her back.  But at the same time, I really don't want her to leave home this soon.  I know the time will come eventually but I just didn't realize it could come this soon.


So as we go through the next two weeks, please ask God to give us the guidance we need in making the decision that is best for everyone involved.

That kind of feeling....

You know how some days you just feel UGH!  Don't really know why and just can't put a finger on it....
I've been feeling that way the past few days and really don't have a set reason.  The one thing I can kind of put a finger on is that April 9th is coming up and that #9 always gets me.  But it also happens to be one of my special friend's birthday--Happy Birthday Martha--so it's not all bad.


Thinking back on that first month after Alan died--the thing I remember most is how lonely I felt.  I thought I was the only person that had lost their baby.  And I wondered why everyone stopped calling after the first week or so.  Didn't they know how I felt?  Didn't they know I wanted to talk about him all the time?  Why didn't they know?????


I have learned it's just how people are and I even find myself guilty of it some times.  They get on with their lives and the events happening in their little worlds.  And a lot of people thought--I should just get over it.  Well you don't just get over losing your child.  And a lot of people didn't know how long we struggled with trying to conceive and as most know--age wasn't exactly on my side either.
So you don't just get over it ever.  You learn to deal.  You do what is best for you and if it makes others uncomfortable--so be it.  I have to do what is best for me so I can be the best mom my kids here on earth deserve and a mother that Alan would be proud of.  


I have said this before and I will say it again--these processes don't come easy.  It takes time.  Sometimes you feel like you are making wonderful strides and then all of a sudden you find yourself stumbling backwards and you wonder--where did that come from?  It came from this grief thing and the processes you go through on a daily, monthly and even yearly basis.  One being the number of the day that he died on.  Some months the 9th is harder than others.  Why--don't really know.


This weekend I will be attending my 2nd MEND leadership conference.  It's when all the directors and assistant directors get together to discuss the events of the different chapters.  Nobody judges you there because we are all alike.  We have all lost a child.  Some more than one.  And you can say whatever you want and nobody looks at you like you have lost your mind.
It's also my one weekend a year that I don't have a husband or child with me.  Until last year--I haven't had that in almost 16 years.  Almost didn't know what to do with myself!


As I go through these next few months--I have almost prepared myself for this roller coaster that I know I am going to be riding.  I just have to remind myself that after I reach the top again--I will be a stronger, better, woman, wife and mother.

A Week Full of Critters



So far the rest of this month has been rather peaceful for me but I think it is in part to so much going on in our little household.  Ashlie has been driving on her own now so I am left without a vehicle to get to work and so I have had to depend on someone else to take me and come get me and sometimes that can be kind of tricky. 

Took a day off during spring break and had a good day with the kids.  Met some friends and let the kids play at the park.  The little boys even had fun playing with my big girls.  They were playing tag.  So all the kids had a great time.

Last week was a week of critters for me.
Had one of these in our garage for a day.  And I really don't like lizard and especially when they are the size of alligators. 

Saturday cleaning at the camphouse, opened a couch to see if there were any blankets in the bottom of it and came eye-to-eye with one of these--

And yes it was staring at me with those beady little eyes.  Got a lot done and decided after the mouse sighting it was time to quit.

I know I grew up in the country but I do not like any of these little critters.

These next few weeks are going to be really busy.  Garage sale this weekend, MEND Leadership Conference the next weekend, party in LG meeting and visiting with our cousins from Germany the next and then it's Easter and who knows what May will bring.

I do  have to brag on Cayden.  He has been so good at going potty.  I think I am more excited about him being potty trained than he is.  It is such a huge relief for me.  And he is so excited every time he goes.  It is so heart warming to see the excitement on his face each time he uses potty.  He is so proud of himself.

I must say having two teenagers and a toddler keeps me busy and I think sometimes that is the best medicine I need during these trying times.  I don't really have time to sit and dwell on things.  Keeping busy keeps your mind occupied and keeping your mind occupied keeps you from missing what's not here.

We are one day  into this week and so far no critter sightings....and I am hoping for a critterless week.  So far, so good.

Wishing everyone a critterless week as well!!!!

Spring Break

These next 4 months are always difficult for me.  Or they have been for the past 5 years.  Especially spring break.  Spring Break 2006 we had planned a trip to Galveston to Moody Gardens.  We were staying at the hotel right by Moody Gardens and had all these things planned.  Then the week before we lost Alan and everything was turned upside down.
We talked with the doctor and nurses about if it was still safe for me to make the trip.  And they all said go enjoy yourself, relax, let your family take care of you.
Relax, enjoy--really?  I had just lost my baby and you are telling me to relax and enjoy. 
So we did go on our trip and I may have relaxed but I certainly did not enjoy myself.  I tried really hard because the girls were looking forward to this trip and I had to be "happy" for them but I was dying inside. 
Now I realize--it was the best thing we could have done.  We got away from everyone and had family time.  We had time together before we went back to the "real" world. 
We got back home after our trip and Don went back to work and the girls went back to school and I was at home by myself.  And I felt so lonely.  So very lonely.  Obviously I was the only person who had lost a baby.  Nobody knew what I was going through. 
Everybody talked about God's plan and I thought--it certainly was not God's plan for my baby to die.  But I have come to realize--it was not God's plan for my baby to die.  It was God's plan for me.  I really, really feel that had Alan not died--I would not be the mother I am today.
At the end of our MEND meetings--we go around and say something positive we feel that has come out of our loss.  Crazy I know--from my first meeting, I have always said losing Alan has made me a better mom.  I have learned to be more patient and I try to give them my undivided attention when they need to talk to me.
Everyone needs to realize--your kids are a precious gift.  And while at times they can try your patience to the very end, you are their first teacher and you need to guide them into their adult life.
So as I approach these last few days of Spring Break-I always think back to Spring Break 2006 and I am so proud of myself.  I know I have come a long, long way from that Spring Break and I am a much better mother.
Alan--I love you, I miss you and I thank you.

Courtnie Kay

Today Courtnie turned 15.  Of all 4 kids--Courtnie was the easiest delivery.   She was a fairly easy baby.  She had jaundice after she was born but other than that, she was a healthy baby. We always bought Ashlie the black patent leather dress shoes.  Ashlie would wear them the one time we wanted her to and that was it.  Along came Courtnie and she wore the black shoes constantly, wearing them out most times.  She always carried  her blankie around and always had a smile on her face.  She also always wants someone around.  And being the baby for 11 years before Cayden came along, she had some adjusting to make.  But she adjusted rather well and is an awesome big sister to her little brother.  She is like a little mother to him.  And is always looking out for him.  Ashlie and her are getting along wonderfully for both being teenagers.  She has always done well in school and has me spoiled as far as being a good child and not giving me any problems.  She has progressed into a beautiful young lady and I am proud to call her my daughter.

And now to share some pictures with the princess of our household:



1 day old



1 year old



2 years old



3 years old



5 years old

Courtnie learned monkeys shouldn't jump on the bed.

Also had 4 staples in the back of her head from the fall.

Jumping from the top of the bunk bed to the queen bed at Granny J's.



6 years old

Just being silly.

  

7 years old





9 years old



11 years old



13 years old



14 years old



And today at 15 years old  and the place we had her birthday lunch:



Birthday lunch



15 years old



As the day comes to a close--my wish for Courtnie is to be all that she can be and to aim for the moon but reach for the stars.  Wishing you many, many, many more Happy Birthdays! 









Roller coaster ride

I am not a fan of roller coasters and have ridden one only once on my senior trip and swore I never would again.  Little did I know that I would be riding a roller coaster again later on in my life.  It's the roller coaster of grief.  In probably the first year after Alan died, I rode that roller coaster a lot.

But not as much as I did in the first 4 days after he died.  Nobody chooses when they die.  That's part of God's plan but sometimes you wonder why he picked the day he did.  Alan died on March 9th.  Courtnie has birthday on March 13th.  So how do you grieve for one child and celebrate with another child.  Well let me tell you--it wasn't easy.
Hence the roller coaster ride--He was born early on a Thursday morning.  Friday we drove to La Grange to plan his funeral.  Saturday-we had Courtnie's birthday party back in Bryan.  I certainly could not cancel a birthday party for a 10-year-old who sort of understood what was going on but not really.  Sunday we were back in La Grange for Alan's funeral.  Monday was the 13th--Courtnie's actual birthday.  And we always do something on their actual birthday.  So as you can see, I was on a roller coaster that I was so ready to get off of.  I was at my lowest low and then had to come back to the top to celebrate with Courtnie.  Those few days were probably the hardest days I have ever had to endure.  But as a mother, you do what you have to do for your kids.  And yes I was so sad with Alan dying but I could not deny Courtnie her birthday celebration.  It wasn't her fault he died 4 days before her birthday.

And that roller coaster ride still hits me these days too.  It's not as steep as it was those first few days and it can happen at any time.  But I also know--I can make it back up and I will be a stronger person for taking that ride.  And sometimes when you are on the down side of the roller coaster, someone can say or do something that brings you right back to the top.  As was my case today--a friend at work gave me a card that had some encouraging words written in it.  While it may seem like a small thing, for those of us who have lost a child it is HUGE.  Just knowing that at some point this person thought of you and your child brings joy to our hearts.  So thanks dear friend--your card and your words mean the world to me.

And I must share this--It happened shortly after Alan died--one night and it may have been that Friday night after he died, I was coming out of the laundry room and Courtnie meets me in the hallway crying.  She told me she felt like God was punishing her with Alan dying so close to her birthday.  And I assured her it had nothing to do with her.  It was just a sequence of events and the timing of it had nothing to do with God punishing her.  And then we had a good cry.  Now we laugh about that conversation, but back then it was so real to her 9-year-old mind.  And now she also thinks it cool for her and her brother to share the same birthday month.

So yes these days are difficult but they are also filled with joy.  Five years ago we may have been grieving for our son that left us too soon.  But 15 years ago, we were filled with joy at the anticipation of the arrival of our 2nd child. 
 Tonight I close with the saying that was on the card I received today--
"Faith and hope will enable you.....May your vision be clear, your heart strong and your passion limitless."

Remembering Alan



5 white roses for 5 years from my MEND family

 Today has been five years since Alan John Huelsebusch was born into the arms of Jesus at 1:05 am.  It has been quite a journey these past five years.  A lot has come from his death.  
The main thing is that in losing him, I have learned to be more patient with my kids.  That doesn't really apply to anything else, just my kids.  Or at least I try.  And I think really in the past year, I have tried to listen to them more, especially the girls.  They are at the age now where they need to know their mom cares about them and what they may be going through.  And I have always said, Cayden is Cayden and right now we are in the throws of potty training and I really believe after Saturday and Sunday, Alan came and told Cayden--you really need to give mom a break and start using potty.  Let's just hope the boys keep talking to each other.

I have also gained a new respect for parents that have lost a child.  The thing I hate most about these mothers that come to our support groups is that I know the pain they are going through with the death of their child. And I really do hate that.  (Sorry Granny Zim, but hate is the only word that works here.)  It hurts so dang bad and that is not a hurt anyone should have to go through. 

And as mentioned before, I have the opportunity to help others through our MEND chapter here in the Bryan/College Station area.  I do not like that there is a need here but am glad that these families have some place to go.

When Alan first died, I was really, really, really, really angry at God.  But as the years have gone by, I have learned we only hurt ourselves when we get angry at God. He loves us no matter what.  So being angry just hurts us.  Don't get me wrong, I didn't come by that wisdom overnight.  It took several years and it's still a learning process.  And always will be.

I have always taken off from work today.  I haven't worked on the 9th in 6 years now.  We have mass said in Alan's memory and today just happened to coincide with Ash Wednesday so that was special.  And then I have taken the girls lunch.  I did those things and not sure what else I expected but it didn't really turn out how I thought it would.  I felt like I was missing something all day long.  I did take a nap and felt better after that but still just have that empty feeling.  Another one of those things that just can't be explained. 

So as the day ends, it's strange.  I can't really remember what I did yesterday or last week or even last month but I remember exactly everything that we did or what happened and even what we ate that night 5 years ago.  It's like those events are stuck in my mind forever.  But most of all I just remember being in shock.  Like it wasn't really me experiencing but somebody else in my body. 
I do know one thing--I am going to bed tonight a much stronger woman and I do know that I will make it through tomorrow and the next day and the day after that too.

So tonight I end with Alan's verse--

Faith is the realization of what is hoped for and evidence of things not seen.  Heb. 11.1.

MEND

MEND--Mommies Enduring Neonatal Death is an infant loss support group that was an awesome help to me after Alan died.  This group is for mothers and fathers that have lost a child from a miscarriage to any time during the first year of their life.  It took me a while to attend my first meeting.  Alan died in March and I didn't attend my first meeting until August.  One reason being the group was not located here locally but in Houston.
The other--at the time--I just knew they wouldn't understand.  I had a lost a child.  I was the only one that this had happened to.  Remember--this is my thinking in those first few weeks and months after he died.  Finally a dear friend pretty much said--CONTACT THEM.  And I did, still being skeptical.  The leader of the Houston group put me in contact with one of her assistants and we e-mailed back and forth some and in August 2006 I went to my first meeting.  What an eye opener for me.  To my surprise--I was not the only person who had lost a child during pregnancy.  There were 15 or so other women there who had experienced a loss as well.  I didn't say anything at that first meeting.  Just listening to them talk, helped me tremendously.  I was having all these feelings and pretty much thought I was losing my mind.  But they were also mentioning the same feelings I was and they talked about your "new normal."  And I thought wow--I am normal (in a new way).  With it being such a drive, Don or my Mom would always go with me.  Just listening to these other moms talk at these meetings was a life saver for me.  I was having all these feelings and no one around here wanted to talk about it or listen to me talk about my child that had died.  But these moms said--that's normal.  They move on with their lives but this loss is real for us and really the center of our universe at the time.  And the words they always said (and I say now)--it does get better.  And it does.
In October of each year, they have a Walk to Remember.  It's a ceremony where each child's name is called and the parents are given an ornament with their baby's name and death date on it to hang on a tree.  It's for the entire family and has a more relaxed family environment.
In December of each year, they have a Christmas ceremony.  It's a more intimate ceremony where the mother or father says "We remember (baby's name)" and then lights a calendar in their memory. 
When Alan died, there was not any type of support group here locally in B/CS. 
In 2009, I was approached about being an assitant director to begin the process of opening a MEND chapter here in the B/CS.  I am honored to say in March 2010 and on which also happened to be Alan's day--3/9/10--the first meeting of the MEND--Bryan/College Station chapter was held. 
Last night--3/8/10--was the first anniversary of our chapter.  We always have a dessert of some sort after the meeting.  Here is our dessert for last night's meeting.



1st anniversary cupcake cake



I am so glad that we have this group here for the mother's that need the support I was lacking shortly after Alan died.  Some of them have already had subsequent births after their losses which I am so happy for them.

I really don't know where I would be today had I not found this support group.  I have so many new friends from this group and know they are life time friends.  Just recently I e-mailed one of them because I was having a difficult time with Alan's 5th birthday coming up.  She said she felt the same way at the same 5 year mark.  I have come to realize, the grief will hit you at the most unexpected times and that's ok.  I just know that each time I come out of it, I will be a little bit stronger each time.

Thanks to Rebakah for starting this chapter over 10 years ago.  It has been a godsend and I hope the mothers that are new in their grief will receive as much support as I have over these past 5 years.

Maybe, Just Maybe....

After anyone dies, you are always going to have firsts--first Christmas with out them, first birthday of theirs since they died, and all the other holidays that you would celebrate with them.
The first Easter was really hard for me.  It also coincided with my great-niece's first birthday party.  Easter was the first holiday we celebrated after Alan died, and even though he shouldn't have been born yet, it was still very difficult. 
And even the 2nd, 3rd, and 4th holidays can be difficult.  And after my last post, I guess I should have realized something was going on with me.  This past Christmas--Christmas 2010--was the most fun I had at Christmas since Alan died.  I told my family that too.  It was a combination of things--we had really cool gifts for the girls, and Cayden was just so much fun this year.  He knew what he wanted and what everyone else wanted to.  Thinking back on that morning here with Don and the kids, I should have known things were going to be ok.  Now don't get me wrong--I will always miss Alan but at some point you realize everything is going to be ok. 
You realize while at some times you will miss this person like crazy, you will come out feeling stronger than the time before.  You start getting used to living your "new normal."  

It also goes to those ladies I mentioned last time, I can mention Alan around any of them and they don't get uncomfortable or want to change the subject all of a sudden.  And I feel comfortable mentioning him around them.  I have never felt that before and it was nothing they did, it was a feeling I had inside myself.  

Warning--potty training will be mentioned next---
So after getting that peaceful feeling last week, I came home from work sick Friday and for some reason decided Cayden needed to start using potty.  So he had big boy pants on Friday all day and he only had one accident.  I thought--Wow this is easy.  
Come Saturday--I felt like we had backpedaled 50 steps.  He was having accidents left and right and I finally decided I needed  time out.  And took a nap.  Sunday--didn't even really try that hard with him. Still a bit frustrated from Saturday.  And a wise mom said--yes it's difficult but hang in there, you can do it.
Well lo and behold--Monday at home with Granny has been another Friday.  And this evening he has even started going without us asking him.  So maybe, just maybe....
Those of you who know me--know I have been stressing over this a LOT lately, so this is a huge step for us.

Maybe, just maybe--Alan has been talking to his little brother and saying--Hey give mom a break already!

 

I can't explain it.....

I really can't explain this feeling I have and I felt it really strong this morning as I was driving to work.
Maybe it's because I finally got to drive myself to work and had that alone time that so many of us moms talk about at our group meetings.  Since Ashlie has started driving, her and Courtnie have taken my van to school and Don usually takes me to work and then Ashlie or Mom comes and picks me up.
I put 89.3 out of Houston (92.5 in B/CS area) on the radio.  It's a Christian station and I love listening to the DJs on there.  If I am having a bad morning, they always seem to lift up my spirits.  I have really missed my "alone" time and just didn't realize how much until this morning.  So it was such a mind-clearing and peaceful drive to work.

I really feel a whole lot of peace concerning Alan's death.  I feel that I can go to church, read the bible, etc and not get angry any more.  After your child dies, you have what is called your new normal.  And maybe I have finally gotten used to my new normal.

It also seems like everyone I have talked to that has lost their child, surrounds themselves with almost an entire different set of friends.

As I have blogged before, I had an awesome lunch with three of my high school classmates.  Jan, Ruthie, and I have kept in contact over the years but have had more contact the past few years.  Rosalynn and I were really close until she left during high school.  I hadn't talked to her in over 20 years until one day last year when we happened to be in La Grange at the same time.  All three of these ladies are the type of friends that I don't have to talk to in years and it's like it was just yesterday.  It seems re-connecting with these three has really had a huge part in my healing.  I had a visit from Rosalynn over the weekend and it was just some fun girl time.  Looking forward to doing it again with Jan and Ruthie too.

Through Cayden's preschool class I have also met the mother of his friend that he always plays with.  In some of my conversations with Lynda, she has shown me that God is a huge part in her life.  Just listening to her has really opened my eyes to some of the things I have been hearing from others.  Sometimes you just have to hear it from someone totally different in order for you to really "hear" it.  She has also made me feel like not such an inept mother when it comes to raising a 3-year-old.   She has shared some stories/adventures she has had with her 3-year-old and it has really helped me in raising mine.  And not make me feel like a mother that has no idea what she is doing with this little boy. 

And I must mention Martha.  She has lost a child as well.  And even though our losses weren't any where near the same, we both lost a son.  She has been the most helpful in just listening and offering advice when I needed it and being silent when she knew I probably needed it but didn't want to hear it.  I couldn't even begin to mention the number of conversations we have had in the last 5 years about our sons.  And I don't remember much in the first few days after Alan died but I do remember a vision I had.  It was of Martha's son, Josh, and Alan standing by a creek fishing.  And that is when I knew he would be ok.  I can still see that vision as clear today as I did back then.

I feel that these five ladies have really helped me reach this new place that I feel I have reached.  Thanks to each of you for the individual effect you have had on my life. 

I have also heard recently a lot about not letting the devil into your life.  And I must say--in the past 5 years I have never thought of my feelings being the devil trying to get in.  Hearing that has also made me realize--no devil is entering  my house.  And I have to be the one to decide that.

As I started with--I really can't explain it but I tried.
So here's to my "new normal"  wherever it may lead me.

And it's March

I have a love/hate relationship with the month of March.  I was really ok with it until 2006.

After all--Courtnie has birthday in March, the weather sort of starts acting normal (most of the time), plants start blooming and color starts coming back with the grass starting to turn green etc.

But then you receive devasting news and it becomes sort of ugh!  And I started thinking today, I always think of March 9th being the day associated with Alan but really we found out he had died at my dr's appointment on March 8th so why don't I ever think of that day as a bad day.  And the answer is-I don't know.  Everything surrounding his death started on March 8th--the dr's visit, the phone calls, the hospital and the preparations for his birth all began that day.  He was born at 1:05 in the morning of the 9th so that is his "birthday". 

The song above is "I Can Only Imagine" by MercyMe.  Another one of my Alan songs.  And since he never lived outside of me--I Can Only Imagine the things about his life.  He would almost be 5-getting ready to start kindergarten--that's the easiest part.  I use my imagination to wonder what he would look, how tall he would be, what kind of personality he would have and you can just go on and on and on.

Next Tuesday, is the one-year anniversary of our MEND group meetings and so I need to come up with some kind of special dessert to have after our meeting.  It was really special to have our first group meeting on March 9th, 2010.  And I am really honored to know that through the tragedy of Alan's death, I am able to help other women who are going through the same thing.   I was hurt that Alan died but what I hate for them, is that I know the pain they are feeling and that is a pain nobody, especially a mother, should have to feel. 

I mentioned reading the bible a bit yesterday in my blog and I haven't really ever read the bible. Now I have this overwhelming feeling that I need to start reading it.  Maybe I can start feeling a real sense of peace with all the events surrounding his death. 

So if I start quoting the bible a lot, please bear with me.  :)

As we approach the 5th year since he received his wings--I Can Only Imagine!

Faith

To say I was angry at God when Alan died, is putting it pretty mildly.  I was downright mad.  Mad at the world, mad at everyone, just plain mad.  We don't know why he died and so I had to blame somebody, right?  It had to be somebody's fault.  Everybody said it wasn't my fault.  Don't blame yourself.  It certainly wasn't Don's fault or Ashlie's or Courtnie's.  And nobody else in my life certainly had anything to do with the pregnancy, except God. 

For the first 39 years of my life, I was told pray to God and all would be well.  So for about 8 years we prayed about adding another baby to our family.  I won't say we struggled with infertility because we never sought out medical advice as to why we weren't getting pregnant.  Just figured, if it was meant to happen it would.  I had finally just decided that I couldn't get pregnant and would be happy with Ashlie and Courtnie.

So when I got pregnant with Alan, we were ecstatic.  I figured well God finally decided we needed another child in our family.

When we learned he had died, my whole world was turned upside down.  Right away I was told, you did nothing wrong.  These things just happen.  The most words spoken to me and at the time I really did not like hearing them--"It was God's plan." 

How can God's plan be to take away a child from his parents?  And in light of all of this, how could I pray to God anymore?  I prayed for another child and  he took him away, right?  Well at the time, that is how my mind was thinking.

As I have healed during the last 5 years (and that healing is an ongoing process), I have learned that, Yes it was God's plan.  The exact plan won't be known to any of us here on earth.  It will only become known to us when we meet the creator in Heaven.

A friend of mine blogged today about "Do we really know why we are here?"  She said we don't know the answer to "why are we here?".  But we are...so have faith, believe, enjoy, create, help, love and live."  (Lynda--hope you don't mind that I borrowed some of your blog).

And faith is what I have relied on for the past 5 years and will continue into the future. 

I was also told to read the bible.  And in case you haven't figured it out, I don't like to be told to do things so the more I was told, the more I turned away.

I don't really remember where I came across this bible verse but I will end with it tonight.  It's what I call my Alan verse and it's about Faith.  So as Lynda said--Have faith, believe, enjoy, create, help, love and live!

Faith is the realization of what is hoped for and evidence of things not seen.  Heb. 11.1.
On the quilt square below--you can see his verse.  And yes those are his hand and foot prints.

Alan's name written in the sand on a
beach in Australia



Alan's Quilt square--made for the 1st annual MEND-Houston
Christmas Cermony--December 2006