Just
Another Day
On
this day 48 years ago, my mom and dad chose life and this world was blessed
with ME! As I think back on the many
birthdays I have celebrated—coming to my mind are the ones I had on Madison
Street, all those slumber parties in the fire station, and after the fire
station the occasional family celebration now and then. And then there is the year Alan died…why this
one you might ask? Well I turned 40 that
year and that year was a personal goal I had made.
You
see—after we had Courtnie in 1996 (I turned 30 that year) I decided that if we
had more kids it would be by the time I was 35 because we all know the risk of
a woman having a child goes up the older she gets. Well 35 rolled around and after a few years
of trying nothing happened so then I decided 40 would be the end of any
children in our lives. So when we found
out we were pregnant shortly after my 39th birthday, I thought my
plans were all working out. Our child
would be about 3 months old when I turned 40.
Fantastic. Just as I had
planned. But we all know God has our
plans in his hands and things don’t always work out like we plan.
As
you know in March of 2006, Alan was born still and our world was
shattered. Not that having a child is
the first thing you think about after yours has just died but I knew I had made
that personal goal and it was there gnawing at the back of my mind. It was like the Devil was laughing at
me. So to me God had not only shattered
our lives by our son dying but he also shattered my personal goal and just left
me feeling empty.
Now
as those who have lost a child knows—there is no plan on grieving or a book
that has steps to follow so you know where you should be in your grieving
process and when it should be over. It
NEVER ends. Yes it does get easier as
days, months, years, go by. But it is
ALWAYS there.
So
six months after he died my birthday rolled around and I turned 40. Since I only knew about my personal goal on
having kids no one else knew that I was really not looking forward to this day
for a number of reasons. Mainly of
which—my child died.
I
show up to work and my cubicle was decorated with black balloons and over the
hill paraphernalia and I lost it. I
thought who in the world does this to a mother that has lost her child. Seriously what were these people thinking? (It was taken down & the day went
on.) But I have never forgotten that
birthday.
I
admit I was in a dark place at that time and was only thinking of myself and my
family. Which I had to do to survive.
So
as this birthday rolls around, I have thought about all my past birthdays.
Last
week, Courtnie and I attended the funeral of a childhood friend of hers who had
turned 18 in March. And as I sat there
in church, it all came back and here we are…another set of parents burying
their child. It’s just not the way
things should be. As I told the
mom—there is nothing I can say. I have
been there and there was nothing I could say.
Because we all want the same thing—our child back and there is nothing
anyone can say that will bring him or her back.
And
I heard it all—well at least you have other kids, you can have more, it is part
of God’s plan and the list goes on.
But
as we all know—God did have plans for our family and we were blessed with our 2nd
son and in a twist of fate—I was still 40 when I had him. I turned 41 twenty-two days after he was
born. What a laugh God had on me.
So
as this birthday comes and goes—I have a wish.
My wish is for everyone to stop and think about what you are about to
say to someone who is grieving. No
matter who they lost or how long it has been.
Because I can pretty much bet you, all they want is that person back and
NOTHING you can say will bring them back.
And
give them a hug—cause a Hug always helps.
And
if you have any of these little people, Hug them too. These four are pretty special to me!
