Faith

To say I was angry at God when Alan died, is putting it pretty mildly.  I was downright mad.  Mad at the world, mad at everyone, just plain mad.  We don't know why he died and so I had to blame somebody, right?  It had to be somebody's fault.  Everybody said it wasn't my fault.  Don't blame yourself.  It certainly wasn't Don's fault or Ashlie's or Courtnie's.  And nobody else in my life certainly had anything to do with the pregnancy, except God. 

For the first 39 years of my life, I was told pray to God and all would be well.  So for about 8 years we prayed about adding another baby to our family.  I won't say we struggled with infertility because we never sought out medical advice as to why we weren't getting pregnant.  Just figured, if it was meant to happen it would.  I had finally just decided that I couldn't get pregnant and would be happy with Ashlie and Courtnie.

So when I got pregnant with Alan, we were ecstatic.  I figured well God finally decided we needed another child in our family.

When we learned he had died, my whole world was turned upside down.  Right away I was told, you did nothing wrong.  These things just happen.  The most words spoken to me and at the time I really did not like hearing them--"It was God's plan." 

How can God's plan be to take away a child from his parents?  And in light of all of this, how could I pray to God anymore?  I prayed for another child and  he took him away, right?  Well at the time, that is how my mind was thinking.

As I have healed during the last 5 years (and that healing is an ongoing process), I have learned that, Yes it was God's plan.  The exact plan won't be known to any of us here on earth.  It will only become known to us when we meet the creator in Heaven.

A friend of mine blogged today about "Do we really know why we are here?"  She said we don't know the answer to "why are we here?".  But we are...so have faith, believe, enjoy, create, help, love and live."  (Lynda--hope you don't mind that I borrowed some of your blog).

And faith is what I have relied on for the past 5 years and will continue into the future. 

I was also told to read the bible.  And in case you haven't figured it out, I don't like to be told to do things so the more I was told, the more I turned away.

I don't really remember where I came across this bible verse but I will end with it tonight.  It's what I call my Alan verse and it's about Faith.  So as Lynda said--Have faith, believe, enjoy, create, help, love and live!

Faith is the realization of what is hoped for and evidence of things not seen.  Heb. 11.1.
On the quilt square below--you can see his verse.  And yes those are his hand and foot prints.

Alan's name written in the sand on a
beach in Australia



Alan's Quilt square--made for the 1st annual MEND-Houston
Christmas Cermony--December 2006