Remembering Alan



5 white roses for 5 years from my MEND family

 Today has been five years since Alan John Huelsebusch was born into the arms of Jesus at 1:05 am.  It has been quite a journey these past five years.  A lot has come from his death.  
The main thing is that in losing him, I have learned to be more patient with my kids.  That doesn't really apply to anything else, just my kids.  Or at least I try.  And I think really in the past year, I have tried to listen to them more, especially the girls.  They are at the age now where they need to know their mom cares about them and what they may be going through.  And I have always said, Cayden is Cayden and right now we are in the throws of potty training and I really believe after Saturday and Sunday, Alan came and told Cayden--you really need to give mom a break and start using potty.  Let's just hope the boys keep talking to each other.

I have also gained a new respect for parents that have lost a child.  The thing I hate most about these mothers that come to our support groups is that I know the pain they are going through with the death of their child. And I really do hate that.  (Sorry Granny Zim, but hate is the only word that works here.)  It hurts so dang bad and that is not a hurt anyone should have to go through. 

And as mentioned before, I have the opportunity to help others through our MEND chapter here in the Bryan/College Station area.  I do not like that there is a need here but am glad that these families have some place to go.

When Alan first died, I was really, really, really, really angry at God.  But as the years have gone by, I have learned we only hurt ourselves when we get angry at God. He loves us no matter what.  So being angry just hurts us.  Don't get me wrong, I didn't come by that wisdom overnight.  It took several years and it's still a learning process.  And always will be.

I have always taken off from work today.  I haven't worked on the 9th in 6 years now.  We have mass said in Alan's memory and today just happened to coincide with Ash Wednesday so that was special.  And then I have taken the girls lunch.  I did those things and not sure what else I expected but it didn't really turn out how I thought it would.  I felt like I was missing something all day long.  I did take a nap and felt better after that but still just have that empty feeling.  Another one of those things that just can't be explained. 

So as the day ends, it's strange.  I can't really remember what I did yesterday or last week or even last month but I remember exactly everything that we did or what happened and even what we ate that night 5 years ago.  It's like those events are stuck in my mind forever.  But most of all I just remember being in shock.  Like it wasn't really me experiencing but somebody else in my body. 
I do know one thing--I am going to bed tonight a much stronger woman and I do know that I will make it through tomorrow and the next day and the day after that too.

So tonight I end with Alan's verse--

Faith is the realization of what is hoped for and evidence of things not seen.  Heb. 11.1.