But not as much as I did in the first 4 days after he died. Nobody chooses when they die. That's part of God's plan but sometimes you wonder why he picked the day he did. Alan died on March 9th. Courtnie has birthday on March 13th. So how do you grieve for one child and celebrate with another child. Well let me tell you--it wasn't easy.
Hence the roller coaster ride--He was born early on a Thursday morning. Friday we drove to La Grange to plan his funeral. Saturday-we had Courtnie's birthday party back in Bryan. I certainly could not cancel a birthday party for a 10-year-old who sort of understood what was going on but not really. Sunday we were back in La Grange for Alan's funeral. Monday was the 13th--Courtnie's actual birthday. And we always do something on their actual birthday. So as you can see, I was on a roller coaster that I was so ready to get off of. I was at my lowest low and then had to come back to the top to celebrate with Courtnie. Those few days were probably the hardest days I have ever had to endure. But as a mother, you do what you have to do for your kids. And yes I was so sad with Alan dying but I could not deny Courtnie her birthday celebration. It wasn't her fault he died 4 days before her birthday.
And that roller coaster ride still hits me these days too. It's not as steep as it was those first few days and it can happen at any time. But I also know--I can make it back up and I will be a stronger person for taking that ride. And sometimes when you are on the down side of the roller coaster, someone can say or do something that brings you right back to the top. As was my case today--a friend at work gave me a card that had some encouraging words written in it. While it may seem like a small thing, for those of us who have lost a child it is HUGE. Just knowing that at some point this person thought of you and your child brings joy to our hearts. So thanks dear friend--your card and your words mean the world to me.
And I must share this--It happened shortly after Alan died--one night and it may have been that Friday night after he died, I was coming out of the laundry room and Courtnie meets me in the hallway crying. She told me she felt like God was punishing her with Alan dying so close to her birthday. And I assured her it had nothing to do with her. It was just a sequence of events and the timing of it had nothing to do with God punishing her. And then we had a good cry. Now we laugh about that conversation, but back then it was so real to her 9-year-old mind. And now she also thinks it cool for her and her brother to share the same birthday month.
So yes these days are difficult but they are also filled with joy. Five years ago we may have been grieving for our son that left us too soon. But 15 years ago, we were filled with joy at the anticipation of the arrival of our 2nd child.
Tonight I close with the saying that was on the card I received today--
"Faith and hope will enable you.....May your vision be clear, your heart strong and your passion limitless."
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