Just Another Day

On this day 48 years ago, my mom and dad chose life and this world was blessed with ME!  As I think back on the many birthdays I have celebrated—coming to my mind are the ones I had on Madison Street, all those slumber parties in the fire station, and after the fire station the occasional family celebration now and then.  And then there is the year Alan died…why this one you might ask?  Well I turned 40 that year and that year was a personal goal I had made.

You see—after we had Courtnie in 1996 (I turned 30 that year) I decided that if we had more kids it would be by the time I was 35 because we all know the risk of a woman having a child goes up the older she gets.  Well 35 rolled around and after a few years of trying nothing happened so then I decided 40 would be the end of any children in our lives.  So when we found out we were pregnant shortly after my 39^th birthday, I thought my plans were all working out.  Our child would be about 3 months old when I turned 40.  Fantastic.  Just as I had planned.  But we all know God has our plans in his hands and things don’t always work out like we plan.

As you know in March of 2006, Alan was born still and our world was shattered.  Not that having a child is the first thing you think about after yours has just died but I knew I had made that personal goal and it was there gnawing at the back of my mind.  It was like the Devil was laughing at me.  So to me God had not only shattered our lives by our son dying but he also shattered my personal goal and just left me feeling empty.

Now as those who have lost a child knows—there is no plan on grieving or a book that has steps to follow so you know where you should be in your grieving process and when it should be over.  It NEVER ends.  Yes it does get easier as days, months, years, go by.  But it is ALWAYS there.

So six months after he died my birthday rolled around and I turned 40.  Since I only knew about my personal goal on having kids no one else knew that I was really not looking forward to this day for a number of reasons.  Mainly of which—my child died.

I show up to work and my cubicle was decorated with black balloons and over the hill paraphernalia and I lost it.  I thought who in the world does this to a mother that has lost her child.  Seriously what were these people thinking?  (It was taken down & the day went on.)  But I have never forgotten that birthday. 

I admit I was in a dark place at that time and was only thinking of myself and my family.  Which I had to do to survive.

So as this birthday rolls around, I have thought about all my past birthdays. 

Last week, Courtnie and I attended the funeral of a childhood friend of hers who had turned 18 in March.  And as I sat there in church, it all came back and here we are…another set of parents burying their child.  It’s just not the way things should be.  As I told the mom—there is nothing I can say.  I have been there and there was nothing I could say.  Because we all want the same thing—our child back and there is nothing anyone can say that will bring him or her back. 

And I heard it all—well at least you have other kids, you can have more, it is part of God’s plan and the list goes on.

But as we all know—God did have plans for our family and we were blessed with our 2^nd son and in a twist of fate—I was still 40 when I had him.  I turned 41 twenty-two days after he was born.  What a laugh God had on me.

So as this birthday comes and goes—I have a wish.  My wish is for everyone to stop and think about what you are about to say to someone who is grieving.  No matter who they lost or how long it has been.  Because I can pretty much bet you, all they want is that person back and NOTHING you can say will bring them back.

And give them a hug—cause a Hug always helps.

And if you have any of these little people, Hug them too.  These four are pretty special to me!

Just another day-Easter

This Sunday will be our 7th Easter without Alan.  For a lot of people, Easter is a special and religious holiday but for me it's just another day.  We have always gone to Don's mother's for Easter....they have the whole nine yards.....delicious meal, plastic eggs for the little kids, and confetti eggs for the "big" kids.

Easter was the first "holiday" I experienced after the loss of Alan.  I can remember that first Easter after he died like it was yesterday.  I was miserable and I really didn't want to celebrate anything but I did have the girls to think of so we went.  The entire family was at my mother-in-law's and I certainly didn't get the reaction I expected.  They were carrying on like their normal selves and here I was without my son and wondering how in the heck could they be acting like nothing happened.  Well in these 7 years since, I have learned they still had their normal lives and it obviously didn't evolve around me!  Gee what a surprise!  lol
I had the privilege of  having a "new" normal that I was getting used to and am still adjusting to today.

A few weeks ago, I was able to request Alan's name be written in the sand on the coast of South Carolina.  Yesterday I received the picture of his name.  It was just what I needed at this time of year!

So even though he's not here with us....he is always, always, always in our hearts.  And we will meet again.

So as I close tonight and get ready for all the activities tomorrow, I wish each of you a very blessed Easter day!

Grief -- It's always there....

Grief can come upon on you at any time.  And you think you need to be strong for everyone else but sometimes you just need to let it come, live through it, and know that you will be stronger after it subsides.
Grief never goes away--it's always there lurking in the back of your mind and sometimes it can stay hidden in there for months and sometimes it appears every day, even if only for a minute.

Today I attended the funeral of a very dear and sweet lady--Karel Kay Weinert.  She was the mom of one of my best friend's--Shelly Pietsch.  Shelly and I met in college and were roommates.  I don't remember the first time I met her mom but I do know I was welcomed into their family with open arms. I spent a lot of time with Shelly and her family before we both got busy with marriage and kids.  Even if I didn't see Mom W. for a while--I was always greeted like it was just yesterday.

I can count the number of funerals I have gone to since Alan died on one hand--I avoid them with all my will.  I'll be honest--I woke up this morning and almost talked myself into not going but I knew I couldn't be selfish.  I had to be there for Shelly.  I had to think of someone else and not myself.  I have several songs (actually a lot of songs) that are what I call my "Alan" songs.  It's songs that give me comfort when I am having a hard day.  During the service, one of these songs was played and it was not easy listening to it.  I really started tearing up.  There were several older ladies sitting behind Don and I and as this song was playing--one of them was singing the wrong verse, one was singing the right verse but a bit out of tune & one was singing about two words ahead of everyone else.  I got quite a chuckle out of that and I felt like it was Mom W. saying--it's ok.  I'm ok.  I know had she been sitting by me--she would have enjoyed it too.

It's moments like those that make you feel like your loved ones are looking down on you from above and letting you know they are ok.  

I also learned of the passing of Katherine Wilcox over the weekend.  Beverly is her daughter-in-law and Don and I worked with Beverly at Rolligon. While I never met Katherine--I know the family is going to miss this dear sweet person as well.  I have seen pictures of her with her kids, grandkids, & great-grandkids and you could just see all the love in the pictures.  She was laid to rest today as well.

As these families begin their lives without these sweet ladies, I am reminded of how those days were for my family as well.  It won't be easy.  You laugh, you cry, and you most likely get angry.  Angry at God for taking your loved one too soon, at your loved one for leaving you.  

But then you also have to remember, your loved one is in such a better place and they are doing just fine.  And as I told Shelly today--my little boy now has another mama to look after him.  And you have to find comfort in that too.

My "old" normal

So I haven't blogged on here in quite some time. I've been wanting to but just have never taken the time to sit down and do it. I created this blog in memory of Alan and with it coming up on his 6th birthday, I must get back at this again.

Six years ago today I was living what was my "old" life. It's hard to believe it's been six years since my world changed forever. And it some ways it seems just like yesterday. I can tell you what I was wearing and what was said, who was there...it's strange how you can remember details of such a tragic event but you can't remember what you wore yesterday.

As I travel through these next few days on this journey--I am wishing a gentle and peaceful day to everyone. Take a little time and enjoy life. And as we have all heard a lot--just breathe!

Father's Day

In June of 1998, I never imagined it would be the last Father's Day I would get to celebrate with my dad.  In December 1998, he lost his battle with cancer after being diagnosed in August of that same year.

I started thinking back today on memories that we had shared.  My very first memory I have is when I was 4 years old.  My brother was in the hospital because he had his tonsils taken out so my mom was with him.  Daddy and I were eating out and the only thing I remember is that I had a chocolate shake and Daddy had a beer.  I do remember where we were just can't remember the name of the place.  I also don't remember what we ate but just what we had to drink.

There were numerous times that I went deer hunting with Daddy.  Never shot anything and I don't think he ever shot very many deer either when I was with him.  There was one time he shot a deer and he said we would tell every body I had shot it.  It was in the hill country.  So we get back to camp and Daddy starts telling everyone I shot this deer.  So this being the "first" deer I had shot, a big deal was made of it.  Including pictures taken, etc.  Well me being the honest little Catholic girl I was--Mom was in the camp house by herself so I go in there and just start bawling my eyes out telling her I didn't shoot the deer.  And she said she already knew that.  (See mom's do know everything.)  See I didn't know this--but it being a rather small deer Daddy wanted every one to think I shot it instead of him.  Mom knew that and told me and I don't remember exactly what she said but I felt much better after talking to her.  On a side note--as of this day--I still haven't shot a deer!

A lot of my memories of daddy are at deer camp because he so enjoyed going there.  There was the first time Don went hunting in South Texas with us.  It was in 1990--the same year we got married.  Don shot a really nice buck and I don't know who was more excited about it--Don or Daddy.  I just remember Daddy being so happy and excited that Don shot the deer.


And speaking of deer camp, when Daddy first started hunting--wives were not allowed opening weekend.  Then after a few years, the wives could go but kids couldn't.  And then we had Ashlie and Courtnie--and what do you know--they were allowed to go opening weekend.  Never have figured that one out--how the kids were never allowed to go but the grandkids could.  Well I do now--Daddy was just a "little" proud of those granddaughters and would take them any place he could.  

Daddy also introduced me to one of my best friends.  Jan's dad was running Hilltop (a beer joint) that my dad frequented quite often.  When Jan moved here, her dad talked to my Dad about her and we met--yes at Hilltop.  Now how many people do you know that their dad's introduce them to a person who will become their best friends at a beer joint?  Not many that I know of!

Ashlie and Courtnie--where do I begin with them?  Ashlie was barely a week old and Daddy called up one day and said pack your things I'm driving to Houston to pick you two up.  So we did and Daddy came and picked us up and we went to La Grange and spent time with him and Mom.  He did that quite often.   When the girls got older he would come get them on his seven days off and watch them while Mom worked.  Those girls meant the world to him and I sometimes had a hard time understanding why he spent so much time with them when he didn't with me when I was younger.  And once again Mom said--it's because he was so young when he had us that he didn't really know what to do.  Once the girls came along--he realized what he was missing out on and was, I guess sort of, trying to make up for lost time.  I must be honest--it took me a while to come to grips with that and it probably didn't really happen until after Alan died.

As you may have noticed--I only talked about the girls and not our boys.  Well unfortunately, very unfortunately--Daddy died before we had the boys.  After Alan died--a lot of people said--he has your Daddy up there to take care of him.  And at first--I didn't get any comfort from that because of the way I felt about him with me when I was younger.  But in talking to my doctor--she said--think of how he was with your girls and how much time he spent with them.  And after I thought about that for a while--I did come to realize that, yes Daddy was taking care of Alan and I didn't need to worry about Alan being alone.  (A fear a lot of us mom's have when our babies die.)

Just this past weekend, Mom and I were talking about reincarnation and we honestly think Cayden is a reincarnation of Daddy.  So many things he does or says or acts like, reminds us so much of Daddy it's like we still have him here with us.  I know Daddy was proud of our girls and so happy that we had them but I can only imagine how much pride he would be bursting with the time he could spend with Cayden.  I'm sure by now at 3 years old, that Cayden would already have shot his first deer!  


So as I have gotten older, I have realized that Daddy was the best dad he could be to us with what he knew.  He spent so much time with our girls that I could see what kind of dad he really wanted to be.  I do miss my Daddy but I really miss him more for our kids.  I just hate the thought of all the fun times and adventures they are missing out because he left us way too soon.

There were also three other special men in my life--my grandfathers and my father-in-law.
A special memory for each one--
Grandpa Zim--I remember any time he left the house, whether to got to work or to town or even just outside--he would kiss Granny Zim and say I love you hon.  
Grandpa Schultz--All those times he took Steve, Cindy and myself to the laundromat.  We would usually end up racing around in the carts they had their for the clothes and Grandpa would swear he would never take us again for the way we acted, but he always did.
Roy--he said one of the nicest things to me when we told them we were pregnant with Cayden and I never did tell him how much it meant to me.  After we made our announcement--he said--So are you going to try for another boy?  That made my heart swell so much realizing that he did think about Alan and had not forgotten about him.   I guess he now knows how much it meant to me, I just wish I could have told him myself.

And I must conclude with the wonderful man I married--Don is such a wonderful father to our three kids we have here with us.  They can ask him for the moon and he would give it to them if he could.  And even though he doesn't talk about Alan much, I do know just my some of the things he has done, that he's never far from his mind either.

I feel so blessed to have had or have these men in my life.  I am a better person for having met each one.

HAPPY FATHER'S DAY!!!

Easter & Mother's Day

I remember my first Easter after Alan died.  It was the most difficult day ever.  I just remember being so angry.  One of my cousin's was pregnant with her 2nd child.  Another cousin had a child that was 1 or 2 years old.  And here I was--not having my child.  Ever since then I have had a love/hate relationship with Easter.  I understand the biblical meaning behind Easter and that is not where my hate relies.  It's with the whole Easter egg hunt thing.  Where did this even come from?  I always stress out about having a hunt when we celebrate Easter with my mom.  And most times we opt out because there is such a huge one with my in-laws.    I do go through the motions because of my kids but it's just a difficult day all around for me.  It's one of those days that I am just relieved when it is over.


Mother's Day is a difficult day for all us mom's who have lost a child.  To be celebrating a day for mother's when one of your children isn't here can be bittersweet.  For me, however, it has not always been so hard.  I have always tried to make it a day for me but I wouldn't be a mother were it not for my living children as well.  So yes I do remember Alan on this day, but I am still mothering the three that I have here with me.  Alan is in such a better place than all of us so I feel my time needs to be devoted to my kids here on Earth for as long as I am allowed.
Each year-the Saturday before Mother's Day we invite our mom's and other family members over to celebrate Mother's Day with them.  This then gives me Sunday to enjoy for myself and with just my family.  This year I also went to the circus with my kids on Saturday.
This year it so happened that my mom was here on Sunday as well.  We started out by going to mass.  And then instead of going out to eat, I decided I would much rather cook and us eat at home.  Mom and I really enjoy cooking together.  We made baked fish with lemon and garlic and even tried making a kind of rice pilaf.  It was one of the best meals I have had and really enjoyed the time sitting at the table with everyone and not having someone bothering us about if we needed any thing or if we were finished and rushing us out for the next customer.
This year I decided to let each child have an hour of time with me only.  I told them they could decide where we would go or what we would do.  It was more for Ashlie and Courtnie than Cayden because Cayden has a lot of my time.  And Cayden and I  had a really nice hour in mass that morning.
Ashlie decided we would go to Barnes & Noble.  So we went and walked around the store.  Picked up books, put them down, picked up another book, put it down, etc.  Ashlie found a book titled "A guide to reading the Bible book by book".  Which I will blog about later.  And who can go to B&N with out getting a drink from Starbucks.  It was a fun time even if for only an hour--and made me decided I need to do that more often.
Courtnie was not feeling well so she got a rain check and I am looking forward to my time with her.


My wish tonight is for all mother's, whether your children are here on Earth or in Heaven, a very gentle night.  And especially for those mother's who are newly grieving--know my heart aches for you.  Just wishing you peaceful days ahead.

 

The Big Announcements

It's been a busy few weeks around the Huelsebusch household lately.  Not only are we coming up on the end of the school year, but I am adjusting to my new job and we made the decision to allow Ashlie to go to TAMS for the next two years.


For Ashlie--this was just too huge of an opportunity to not let her go.  It will be such an awesome experience for her.  Yes she will more than likely be exposed to some things that she has been sheltered from these last 11 years in a Catholic school.  But at some point-it will happen. Sooner than I thought but I think she will handle it just fine.  She has such a strong faith and I know this will be a huge asset to her as she enters this new adventure in her life.  I also recently found out that a former SJCS teacher's parents live in Denton and they have offered any assistance to Ashlie that she will need.  The also said they will introduce her to the youth minister at the Catholic church.  I learned this probably a day or so before we had to send in the papers for Ashlie and I must say I felt like it was a sign from God--letting us know that she will have someone a bit closer to watch over her as well.
So--come August--we will be one less child as well as losing my driver.  I know I wasn't so keen on it in the beginning but it did not take long getting used to her being able to either take herself or her siblings places on her own or running errands for me.


I am adjusting to my new job quite well.  It is a totally different environment at HSC compared to the RF.  The main thing is way the building is laid out.  We have our own suite of offices and I am in an office by myself with the exception of a student that comes in two or three times a week.  And the second thing is the noise.  There just isn't any in our suite.  There aren't phones ringing or people walking around and stopping and talking.  It is probably the easiest adjustment for me.  After Alan died--for some reason (even though I hear it is quite normal) noises bother me now.  And it's not necessarily loud noises---just any type of noise.  So I really do appreciate this aspect of my new environment.  
The work is quite different as well.  It is really neat to be on the other side of the research.  I have learned so much in the past week and a half.  A lot has been about the type of research Dr. Sharkey and his team is involved in.  And it is quite interesting.  


So in our family--yes it has been busy--but it's also been fun and interesting.  
Wishing everyone a peaceful week!