I've been feeling that way the past few days and really don't have a set reason. The one thing I can kind of put a finger on is that April 9th is coming up and that #9 always gets me. But it also happens to be one of my special friend's birthday--Happy Birthday Martha--so it's not all bad.
Thinking back on that first month after Alan died--the thing I remember most is how lonely I felt. I thought I was the only person that had lost their baby. And I wondered why everyone stopped calling after the first week or so. Didn't they know how I felt? Didn't they know I wanted to talk about him all the time? Why didn't they know?????
I have learned it's just how people are and I even find myself guilty of it some times. They get on with their lives and the events happening in their little worlds. And a lot of people thought--I should just get over it. Well you don't just get over losing your child. And a lot of people didn't know how long we struggled with trying to conceive and as most know--age wasn't exactly on my side either.
So you don't just get over it ever. You learn to deal. You do what is best for you and if it makes others uncomfortable--so be it. I have to do what is best for me so I can be the best mom my kids here on earth deserve and a mother that Alan would be proud of.
I have said this before and I will say it again--these processes don't come easy. It takes time. Sometimes you feel like you are making wonderful strides and then all of a sudden you find yourself stumbling backwards and you wonder--where did that come from? It came from this grief thing and the processes you go through on a daily, monthly and even yearly basis. One being the number of the day that he died on. Some months the 9th is harder than others. Why--don't really know.
This weekend I will be attending my 2nd MEND leadership conference. It's when all the directors and assistant directors get together to discuss the events of the different chapters. Nobody judges you there because we are all alike. We have all lost a child. Some more than one. And you can say whatever you want and nobody looks at you like you have lost your mind.
It's also my one weekend a year that I don't have a husband or child with me. Until last year--I haven't had that in almost 16 years. Almost didn't know what to do with myself!
As I go through these next few months--I have almost prepared myself for this roller coaster that I know I am going to be riding. I just have to remind myself that after I reach the top again--I will be a stronger, better, woman, wife and mother.
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