Maybe, Just Maybe....

After anyone dies, you are always going to have firsts--first Christmas with out them, first birthday of theirs since they died, and all the other holidays that you would celebrate with them.
The first Easter was really hard for me.  It also coincided with my great-niece's first birthday party.  Easter was the first holiday we celebrated after Alan died, and even though he shouldn't have been born yet, it was still very difficult. 
And even the 2nd, 3rd, and 4th holidays can be difficult.  And after my last post, I guess I should have realized something was going on with me.  This past Christmas--Christmas 2010--was the most fun I had at Christmas since Alan died.  I told my family that too.  It was a combination of things--we had really cool gifts for the girls, and Cayden was just so much fun this year.  He knew what he wanted and what everyone else wanted to.  Thinking back on that morning here with Don and the kids, I should have known things were going to be ok.  Now don't get me wrong--I will always miss Alan but at some point you realize everything is going to be ok. 
You realize while at some times you will miss this person like crazy, you will come out feeling stronger than the time before.  You start getting used to living your "new normal."  

It also goes to those ladies I mentioned last time, I can mention Alan around any of them and they don't get uncomfortable or want to change the subject all of a sudden.  And I feel comfortable mentioning him around them.  I have never felt that before and it was nothing they did, it was a feeling I had inside myself.  

Warning--potty training will be mentioned next---
So after getting that peaceful feeling last week, I came home from work sick Friday and for some reason decided Cayden needed to start using potty.  So he had big boy pants on Friday all day and he only had one accident.  I thought--Wow this is easy.  
Come Saturday--I felt like we had backpedaled 50 steps.  He was having accidents left and right and I finally decided I needed  time out.  And took a nap.  Sunday--didn't even really try that hard with him. Still a bit frustrated from Saturday.  And a wise mom said--yes it's difficult but hang in there, you can do it.
Well lo and behold--Monday at home with Granny has been another Friday.  And this evening he has even started going without us asking him.  So maybe, just maybe....
Those of you who know me--know I have been stressing over this a LOT lately, so this is a huge step for us.

Maybe, just maybe--Alan has been talking to his little brother and saying--Hey give mom a break already!