We talked with the doctor and nurses about if it was still safe for me to make the trip. And they all said go enjoy yourself, relax, let your family take care of you.
Relax, enjoy--really? I had just lost my baby and you are telling me to relax and enjoy.
So we did go on our trip and I may have relaxed but I certainly did not enjoy myself. I tried really hard because the girls were looking forward to this trip and I had to be "happy" for them but I was dying inside.
Now I realize--it was the best thing we could have done. We got away from everyone and had family time. We had time together before we went back to the "real" world.
We got back home after our trip and Don went back to work and the girls went back to school and I was at home by myself. And I felt so lonely. So very lonely. Obviously I was the only person who had lost a baby. Nobody knew what I was going through.
Everybody talked about God's plan and I thought--it certainly was not God's plan for my baby to die. But I have come to realize--it was not God's plan for my baby to die. It was God's plan for me. I really, really feel that had Alan not died--I would not be the mother I am today.
At the end of our MEND meetings--we go around and say something positive we feel that has come out of our loss. Crazy I know--from my first meeting, I have always said losing Alan has made me a better mom. I have learned to be more patient and I try to give them my undivided attention when they need to talk to me.
Everyone needs to realize--your kids are a precious gift. And while at times they can try your patience to the very end, you are their first teacher and you need to guide them into their adult life.
So as I approach these last few days of Spring Break-I always think back to Spring Break 2006 and I am so proud of myself. I know I have come a long, long way from that Spring Break and I am a much better mother.
Alan--I love you, I miss you and I thank you.
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