I can't explain it.....

I really can't explain this feeling I have and I felt it really strong this morning as I was driving to work.
Maybe it's because I finally got to drive myself to work and had that alone time that so many of us moms talk about at our group meetings.  Since Ashlie has started driving, her and Courtnie have taken my van to school and Don usually takes me to work and then Ashlie or Mom comes and picks me up.
I put 89.3 out of Houston (92.5 in B/CS area) on the radio.  It's a Christian station and I love listening to the DJs on there.  If I am having a bad morning, they always seem to lift up my spirits.  I have really missed my "alone" time and just didn't realize how much until this morning.  So it was such a mind-clearing and peaceful drive to work.

I really feel a whole lot of peace concerning Alan's death.  I feel that I can go to church, read the bible, etc and not get angry any more.  After your child dies, you have what is called your new normal.  And maybe I have finally gotten used to my new normal.

It also seems like everyone I have talked to that has lost their child, surrounds themselves with almost an entire different set of friends.

As I have blogged before, I had an awesome lunch with three of my high school classmates.  Jan, Ruthie, and I have kept in contact over the years but have had more contact the past few years.  Rosalynn and I were really close until she left during high school.  I hadn't talked to her in over 20 years until one day last year when we happened to be in La Grange at the same time.  All three of these ladies are the type of friends that I don't have to talk to in years and it's like it was just yesterday.  It seems re-connecting with these three has really had a huge part in my healing.  I had a visit from Rosalynn over the weekend and it was just some fun girl time.  Looking forward to doing it again with Jan and Ruthie too.

Through Cayden's preschool class I have also met the mother of his friend that he always plays with.  In some of my conversations with Lynda, she has shown me that God is a huge part in her life.  Just listening to her has really opened my eyes to some of the things I have been hearing from others.  Sometimes you just have to hear it from someone totally different in order for you to really "hear" it.  She has also made me feel like not such an inept mother when it comes to raising a 3-year-old.   She has shared some stories/adventures she has had with her 3-year-old and it has really helped me in raising mine.  And not make me feel like a mother that has no idea what she is doing with this little boy. 

And I must mention Martha.  She has lost a child as well.  And even though our losses weren't any where near the same, we both lost a son.  She has been the most helpful in just listening and offering advice when I needed it and being silent when she knew I probably needed it but didn't want to hear it.  I couldn't even begin to mention the number of conversations we have had in the last 5 years about our sons.  And I don't remember much in the first few days after Alan died but I do remember a vision I had.  It was of Martha's son, Josh, and Alan standing by a creek fishing.  And that is when I knew he would be ok.  I can still see that vision as clear today as I did back then.

I feel that these five ladies have really helped me reach this new place that I feel I have reached.  Thanks to each of you for the individual effect you have had on my life. 

I have also heard recently a lot about not letting the devil into your life.  And I must say--in the past 5 years I have never thought of my feelings being the devil trying to get in.  Hearing that has also made me realize--no devil is entering  my house.  And I have to be the one to decide that.

As I started with--I really can't explain it but I tried.
So here's to my "new normal"  wherever it may lead me.