Faith

To say I was angry at God when Alan died, is putting it pretty mildly.  I was downright mad.  Mad at the world, mad at everyone, just plain mad.  We don't know why he died and so I had to blame somebody, right?  It had to be somebody's fault.  Everybody said it wasn't my fault.  Don't blame yourself.  It certainly wasn't Don's fault or Ashlie's or Courtnie's.  And nobody else in my life certainly had anything to do with the pregnancy, except God. 

For the first 39 years of my life, I was told pray to God and all would be well.  So for about 8 years we prayed about adding another baby to our family.  I won't say we struggled with infertility because we never sought out medical advice as to why we weren't getting pregnant.  Just figured, if it was meant to happen it would.  I had finally just decided that I couldn't get pregnant and would be happy with Ashlie and Courtnie.

So when I got pregnant with Alan, we were ecstatic.  I figured well God finally decided we needed another child in our family.

When we learned he had died, my whole world was turned upside down.  Right away I was told, you did nothing wrong.  These things just happen.  The most words spoken to me and at the time I really did not like hearing them--"It was God's plan." 

How can God's plan be to take away a child from his parents?  And in light of all of this, how could I pray to God anymore?  I prayed for another child and  he took him away, right?  Well at the time, that is how my mind was thinking.

As I have healed during the last 5 years (and that healing is an ongoing process), I have learned that, Yes it was God's plan.  The exact plan won't be known to any of us here on earth.  It will only become known to us when we meet the creator in Heaven.

A friend of mine blogged today about "Do we really know why we are here?"  She said we don't know the answer to "why are we here?".  But we are...so have faith, believe, enjoy, create, help, love and live."  (Lynda--hope you don't mind that I borrowed some of your blog).

And faith is what I have relied on for the past 5 years and will continue into the future. 

I was also told to read the bible.  And in case you haven't figured it out, I don't like to be told to do things so the more I was told, the more I turned away.

I don't really remember where I came across this bible verse but I will end with it tonight.  It's what I call my Alan verse and it's about Faith.  So as Lynda said--Have faith, believe, enjoy, create, help, love and live!

Faith is the realization of what is hoped for and evidence of things not seen.  Heb. 11.1.
On the quilt square below--you can see his verse.  And yes those are his hand and foot prints.

Alan's name written in the sand on a
beach in Australia



Alan's Quilt square--made for the 1st annual MEND-Houston
Christmas Cermony--December 2006



 

A New Driver in the Family



Ashlie with her license

Yes, we have a new driver in the family.  Ashlie took her driving test today and passed the first time.  I am so proud of her but at the same time a bit overwhelmed by it all too.  This now means she can go places by herself without us having to drive her there and pick her up.  I know it's a part of life and part of them growing up but I still want to protect them and keep them safe.

It really hit home to me when we were driving to dinner tonight.  We did the home driver's ed with Ashlie so anytime she would drive with her learner's permit, Don or I would sit in the front seat.  Tonight, Courtnie asked if she could sit in the front.  And it was like WOW, the kids are up front and us adults plus Cayden are in the back seats.  It just seemed really unreal.  And strange at the same time.  It's really hard to explain.

Ashlie was supposed to take her driving test last week Wednesday but the ice storm put a damper on that.  Last Wednesday morning-we had talked about going out to celebrate if she had passed.  Well this week with all the problems we had with the van--in and out of the shop four times in one week--I totally forgot about us going out to celebrate.  On the way home, this afternoon she asked me about going out and it threw me off.  I had already told mom we were having leftovers for dinner tonight.  But how can you tell someone No who is so excited that they had passed their driver's test.  So after much convincing--well really not much at all--we went out to celebrate.  Let me share with you where we went---

In case, you didn't figure it out.  We ate at Chili's tonight.  (And no--Ashlie didn't park near this sign)

Everyone tells me it will be so nice with her driving now, which I am sure it will be.  But it's just a new thing for me to handle in my life right now when there is so much going on.  I told Ashlie that she now had a huge responsibility on her hands, especially with her siblings in the car.  I also told her, I know she is a good driver, it's all the other people on the road that I am worried about.

I am one of those mom's that wants to protect her children like I know a lot of mom's want to do as well.  When I learned Alan had died, my first thought was--What did I do wrong?  I'm supposed to protect my kids and not hurt them.  Then I had to tell Ashlie and Courtnie he had died and that was the most heart wrenching thing I had to do.  Now with this "new freedom" Ashlie has, I know I won't be there to protect her all the time and it's just a bit much to take in at this time.

It is two weeks before we celebrate Alan's 5th birthday and it is weighing heavy on my mind.  As I close this tonight--I will share with you my Alan verse. It's the faith that keeps me going these days--"Faith is the realization of what is hoped for and evidence of things not seen.  Heb. 11.1."

Confirmation Day



Courtnie Kay-the Confirmand



Courtnie was confirmed at Christ the Good Shepherd Chapel (St. Joseph's Catholic Church) today.  She chose her older sister, Ashlie as her sponsor.  It makes a mom proud when her children take this type of journey in Christ together.

It's a learning experience for me as well.  When Alan died, I started questioning everything I had learned in my faith.  Watching Ashlie last year go through her journey in Christ to confirmation and then this year watching Courtnie with Ashlie guiding her, makes me wonder sometimes why we question the plan God had for us.  It's human nature because sometimes I think I have it all figured out and something happens and those questions arise again--sometimes out of no where.  It can be a song on the radio, a certain smell, a type of food or even just a fleeting thought that crosses your mind.  Then you experience a mass like today and share it with your children and all almost seems right in the world again.

I also had the privilege of being a proxy sponsor for Megan Jones-Siebert who also happens to be Courtnie's best friend.  For me--it 's even more special to be able to sit with the confirmands during mass and know that you are being part of an awesome event for them.  I was able to sit with Courtnie and Ashlie as well so it was just a special day for me all around.  So thank you Megan for asking me to fill in such an important role.

Courtnie had to chose a saint name as part of her confirmation.  She chose Frances and she had to write down why she chose this person.  She said the main reason she chose Frances is because her saint's feast day is on Alan's birthday.  What an awesome honor to her younger brother.  I wonder sometimes about mentioning him because it was such a sad time for all of us I just don't want to make them sad again.  But then they do things like this--and I realize they miss him just as much as I do. 

This past week was really rough for me.  Things going on at work and then as I had mentioned in an earlier post, this time of year is just tough for me.  I had a hard time figuring out what needed to be done for today and then wondering how it was all going to get done but as usual it was all for nothing.  Everyone pitched in to help get the house in order, even Cayden when I told him we were having a party.  The day turned out perfectly.  And everything got done as it needed to.

I am so proud of Courtnie for taking this step in her faith and for welcoming the holy spirit into her soul.  As the Bishop said today, us, as parents, are the main leader in the way our children follow Christ and so it makes me feel good knowing my children are beginning to make their own way with Christ.

I also thought back to the day I was confirmed and how different it was for me.  I chose my grandmother or Granny Zim  as I called her as my sponsor.  I don't really remember much about that day, just that my brother and I were confirmed on the same day and that we took a picture with the Bishop.  I am hoping that today being as special as it was for me, that my girls will remember more about their confirmation than I did. 

As I close tonight, I wish to share some pictures of today with you.  I also wish for each of you to have a pleasant week and for everything to go as you want.




The confirmation blessing



Bishop Joe Vasquez







The cake



James & Nancy Lehmann (Don's sister and husband)




Steven & Elena Schultz (my brother and wife)




Steven & Elena, Jeanette Huelsebusch (Don's mom) and Anne Schultz (my mom)
& (lower right) AJ Lehmann (nephew)



Megan & Courtnie

Wouldn't be complete with out Ashlie

and Cayden

And of course--all three--Courtnie, Cayden, & Ashlie



Ashlie, Cayden, & Courtnie--2/7/10--Ashlie's confirmation



And last but not least--Our Little Nemo.

 

"Be Not Afraid"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T123XtJD7S8

In church Sunday, the folk choir sang "Be Not Afraid" which is what I call one of my Alan songs.  I have a whole list of songs that I listen to that are my "Alan" songs. 

The refrain:

R.
Be not afraid.
I go before you always.
Come follow me, and
I will give you rest

 

This is my favorite part.  This part of the song is what gave me comfort in losing Alan.  It took me a while to get there but I did eventually.  And I will admit--that even at times now, I do back pedal.  But those back pedals--don't come as often as they did in the first few years after he died.

Losing a child is just not a part of life that we are prepared for.  We should die before our kids.  It's just the way our stage of life is supposed to work.  But I learned our stages of life don't always go as we plan.  See in my mind--we (the parents) die first and then when our children die, we are there to welcome them to heaven.

When Alan died, I thought there is nobody there to welcome him.  I was the only one that could do that.  Yes--there are plenty of people in heaven that I know welcomed him with open arms but my mind just didn't focus on that at the time.

In the refrain--"I go before you always" this is God's words letting us know that no matter what, he is always ahead of us and we just have to follow him.  And so I knew God was there waiting for him and led him where he needed to go.

As I approach the fifth anniversary of his birth/death, I can't help but wonder--had he lived-he would be starting kindergarten this year.  What would he be like, look like, favorite things, etc.  And there is always the question--would we have had Cayden?

And this is how I answer it--I think yes.  My girls are 16 months apart and when I was pregnant with Alan, I just had this feeling I would have another child and these two would be close in age too.

I think my "A" kids--Ashlie and Alan are/would have been my low maintenance kids.  And my "C" kids --Courtnie and Cayden are my high maintenance kids. 

At our support group meeting (more on the support group in a later post) last night--I was asked what are we doing for Alan's birthday.  I know a lot of parents go to the cemetery and have a birthday party.  They get cakes, decorations etc and celebrate at the cemetery.  Alan is buried in La Grange which is an hour and a half from here so going to the cemetery on his day hasn't been possible and I just don't feel like celebrating at the cemetery. 

His day has always been about me and what I want to do which as you have probably guessed-is spending time with my kids that I have here.  We always have mass said in his memory at St. Joseph's and attend as a family.  The girls are usually in school so I have always taken them lunch.  And the rest of the day is just about me.  These past two years it has also been spent with Cayden and the same will happen again this year.

I know Alan wants us to be happy so I try to do things in honor of him that I know would make him happy.  Yes--he is on my mind a lot more that day than any other.  But he's always in my mind.  And always will be.

So as we approach his 5th birthday--just remember no matter what--

"Be not afraid.
I (God) go before you always.
Come follow me, and
I will give you rest"

 

A Difficult Month

Wow.  It's February already.  This month always seem to be a bit difficult for me.  I think because it's the last full month I was pregnant with Alan.  And as silly as it may seem-there are things I remember that happened in February 2006 relating to Alan and the pregnancy.
One--Don and Ashlie went to Camp Kappe the last week of February and I remember thinking something was wrong with the baby but then I would always convince myself I was just being silly.  Everything was fine.  Guess it's that mother's intuition thing.
Two--I had a dentist appointment the month of February and I have always wondered if that had something to do with Alan dying.  In my heart, I know most likely it had nothing to do with him, but this mind of my just doesn't forget.
As this month progresses on--here are some pictures/items that remind me of Alan--

Lighthouses--In May 2006, we created a little garden in the backyard for Alan.  I put a solar lighthouse in it and Courtnie said now Alan can see where we live.

 

Nemo--Alan is "Our Little Nemo". He was called Nemo during my pregnancy.

His nursery was to be decorated in Nemo.  We have tons of Nemo material we bought to make all sorts of things for him.

I was hanging up clothes one night and one of the girls said we needed to give the baby a name.  I just happened to pull out my t-shirt with a clown fish on it and thus the name Nemo was given to the baby. 

The first picture is his Christmas ornament I bought the first Christmas after he died.  And each year it has it's same spot on the tree.

The second is a cross stitch pattern I started during the pregnancy.  After he died, I couldn't work on it.  It was too hurtful.  But 6-8 months after he died, I picked it up and finished it.  It now hangs on my living room wall along with all three other baby pictures.

So as I carry on through this month, instead of getting down--this year, I am going to try and focus on the positive things that I do have.  His death has opened so many doors that I don't think I even realized some of them were through him.

And on a side note--as I write this--it is in the 20s outside and won't get much above freezing all week.  My wish is for everyone to have peace and keep warm.