Easter & Mother's Day

I remember my first Easter after Alan died.  It was the most difficult day ever.  I just remember being so angry.  One of my cousin's was pregnant with her 2nd child.  Another cousin had a child that was 1 or 2 years old.  And here I was--not having my child.  Ever since then I have had a love/hate relationship with Easter.  I understand the biblical meaning behind Easter and that is not where my hate relies.  It's with the whole Easter egg hunt thing.  Where did this even come from?  I always stress out about having a hunt when we celebrate Easter with my mom.  And most times we opt out because there is such a huge one with my in-laws.    I do go through the motions because of my kids but it's just a difficult day all around for me.  It's one of those days that I am just relieved when it is over.


Mother's Day is a difficult day for all us mom's who have lost a child.  To be celebrating a day for mother's when one of your children isn't here can be bittersweet.  For me, however, it has not always been so hard.  I have always tried to make it a day for me but I wouldn't be a mother were it not for my living children as well.  So yes I do remember Alan on this day, but I am still mothering the three that I have here with me.  Alan is in such a better place than all of us so I feel my time needs to be devoted to my kids here on Earth for as long as I am allowed.
Each year-the Saturday before Mother's Day we invite our mom's and other family members over to celebrate Mother's Day with them.  This then gives me Sunday to enjoy for myself and with just my family.  This year I also went to the circus with my kids on Saturday.
This year it so happened that my mom was here on Sunday as well.  We started out by going to mass.  And then instead of going out to eat, I decided I would much rather cook and us eat at home.  Mom and I really enjoy cooking together.  We made baked fish with lemon and garlic and even tried making a kind of rice pilaf.  It was one of the best meals I have had and really enjoyed the time sitting at the table with everyone and not having someone bothering us about if we needed any thing or if we were finished and rushing us out for the next customer.
This year I decided to let each child have an hour of time with me only.  I told them they could decide where we would go or what we would do.  It was more for Ashlie and Courtnie than Cayden because Cayden has a lot of my time.  And Cayden and I  had a really nice hour in mass that morning.
Ashlie decided we would go to Barnes & Noble.  So we went and walked around the store.  Picked up books, put them down, picked up another book, put it down, etc.  Ashlie found a book titled "A guide to reading the Bible book by book".  Which I will blog about later.  And who can go to B&N with out getting a drink from Starbucks.  It was a fun time even if for only an hour--and made me decided I need to do that more often.
Courtnie was not feeling well so she got a rain check and I am looking forward to my time with her.


My wish tonight is for all mother's, whether your children are here on Earth or in Heaven, a very gentle night.  And especially for those mother's who are newly grieving--know my heart aches for you.  Just wishing you peaceful days ahead.