"Be Not Afraid"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T123XtJD7S8

In church Sunday, the folk choir sang "Be Not Afraid" which is what I call one of my Alan songs.  I have a whole list of songs that I listen to that are my "Alan" songs. 

The refrain:

R.
Be not afraid.
I go before you always.
Come follow me, and
I will give you rest

 

This is my favorite part.  This part of the song is what gave me comfort in losing Alan.  It took me a while to get there but I did eventually.  And I will admit--that even at times now, I do back pedal.  But those back pedals--don't come as often as they did in the first few years after he died.

Losing a child is just not a part of life that we are prepared for.  We should die before our kids.  It's just the way our stage of life is supposed to work.  But I learned our stages of life don't always go as we plan.  See in my mind--we (the parents) die first and then when our children die, we are there to welcome them to heaven.

When Alan died, I thought there is nobody there to welcome him.  I was the only one that could do that.  Yes--there are plenty of people in heaven that I know welcomed him with open arms but my mind just didn't focus on that at the time.

In the refrain--"I go before you always" this is God's words letting us know that no matter what, he is always ahead of us and we just have to follow him.  And so I knew God was there waiting for him and led him where he needed to go.

As I approach the fifth anniversary of his birth/death, I can't help but wonder--had he lived-he would be starting kindergarten this year.  What would he be like, look like, favorite things, etc.  And there is always the question--would we have had Cayden?

And this is how I answer it--I think yes.  My girls are 16 months apart and when I was pregnant with Alan, I just had this feeling I would have another child and these two would be close in age too.

I think my "A" kids--Ashlie and Alan are/would have been my low maintenance kids.  And my "C" kids --Courtnie and Cayden are my high maintenance kids. 

At our support group meeting (more on the support group in a later post) last night--I was asked what are we doing for Alan's birthday.  I know a lot of parents go to the cemetery and have a birthday party.  They get cakes, decorations etc and celebrate at the cemetery.  Alan is buried in La Grange which is an hour and a half from here so going to the cemetery on his day hasn't been possible and I just don't feel like celebrating at the cemetery. 

His day has always been about me and what I want to do which as you have probably guessed-is spending time with my kids that I have here.  We always have mass said in his memory at St. Joseph's and attend as a family.  The girls are usually in school so I have always taken them lunch.  And the rest of the day is just about me.  These past two years it has also been spent with Cayden and the same will happen again this year.

I know Alan wants us to be happy so I try to do things in honor of him that I know would make him happy.  Yes--he is on my mind a lot more that day than any other.  But he's always in my mind.  And always will be.

So as we approach his 5th birthday--just remember no matter what--

"Be not afraid.
I (God) go before you always.
Come follow me, and
I will give you rest"