Easter & Mother's Day

I remember my first Easter after Alan died.  It was the most difficult day ever.  I just remember being so angry.  One of my cousin's was pregnant with her 2nd child.  Another cousin had a child that was 1 or 2 years old.  And here I was--not having my child.  Ever since then I have had a love/hate relationship with Easter.  I understand the biblical meaning behind Easter and that is not where my hate relies.  It's with the whole Easter egg hunt thing.  Where did this even come from?  I always stress out about having a hunt when we celebrate Easter with my mom.  And most times we opt out because there is such a huge one with my in-laws.    I do go through the motions because of my kids but it's just a difficult day all around for me.  It's one of those days that I am just relieved when it is over.


Mother's Day is a difficult day for all us mom's who have lost a child.  To be celebrating a day for mother's when one of your children isn't here can be bittersweet.  For me, however, it has not always been so hard.  I have always tried to make it a day for me but I wouldn't be a mother were it not for my living children as well.  So yes I do remember Alan on this day, but I am still mothering the three that I have here with me.  Alan is in such a better place than all of us so I feel my time needs to be devoted to my kids here on Earth for as long as I am allowed.
Each year-the Saturday before Mother's Day we invite our mom's and other family members over to celebrate Mother's Day with them.  This then gives me Sunday to enjoy for myself and with just my family.  This year I also went to the circus with my kids on Saturday.
This year it so happened that my mom was here on Sunday as well.  We started out by going to mass.  And then instead of going out to eat, I decided I would much rather cook and us eat at home.  Mom and I really enjoy cooking together.  We made baked fish with lemon and garlic and even tried making a kind of rice pilaf.  It was one of the best meals I have had and really enjoyed the time sitting at the table with everyone and not having someone bothering us about if we needed any thing or if we were finished and rushing us out for the next customer.
This year I decided to let each child have an hour of time with me only.  I told them they could decide where we would go or what we would do.  It was more for Ashlie and Courtnie than Cayden because Cayden has a lot of my time.  And Cayden and I  had a really nice hour in mass that morning.
Ashlie decided we would go to Barnes & Noble.  So we went and walked around the store.  Picked up books, put them down, picked up another book, put it down, etc.  Ashlie found a book titled "A guide to reading the Bible book by book".  Which I will blog about later.  And who can go to B&N with out getting a drink from Starbucks.  It was a fun time even if for only an hour--and made me decided I need to do that more often.
Courtnie was not feeling well so she got a rain check and I am looking forward to my time with her.


My wish tonight is for all mother's, whether your children are here on Earth or in Heaven, a very gentle night.  And especially for those mother's who are newly grieving--know my heart aches for you.  Just wishing you peaceful days ahead.

 

The Big Announcements

It's been a busy few weeks around the Huelsebusch household lately.  Not only are we coming up on the end of the school year, but I am adjusting to my new job and we made the decision to allow Ashlie to go to TAMS for the next two years.


For Ashlie--this was just too huge of an opportunity to not let her go.  It will be such an awesome experience for her.  Yes she will more than likely be exposed to some things that she has been sheltered from these last 11 years in a Catholic school.  But at some point-it will happen. Sooner than I thought but I think she will handle it just fine.  She has such a strong faith and I know this will be a huge asset to her as she enters this new adventure in her life.  I also recently found out that a former SJCS teacher's parents live in Denton and they have offered any assistance to Ashlie that she will need.  The also said they will introduce her to the youth minister at the Catholic church.  I learned this probably a day or so before we had to send in the papers for Ashlie and I must say I felt like it was a sign from God--letting us know that she will have someone a bit closer to watch over her as well.
So--come August--we will be one less child as well as losing my driver.  I know I wasn't so keen on it in the beginning but it did not take long getting used to her being able to either take herself or her siblings places on her own or running errands for me.


I am adjusting to my new job quite well.  It is a totally different environment at HSC compared to the RF.  The main thing is way the building is laid out.  We have our own suite of offices and I am in an office by myself with the exception of a student that comes in two or three times a week.  And the second thing is the noise.  There just isn't any in our suite.  There aren't phones ringing or people walking around and stopping and talking.  It is probably the easiest adjustment for me.  After Alan died--for some reason (even though I hear it is quite normal) noises bother me now.  And it's not necessarily loud noises---just any type of noise.  So I really do appreciate this aspect of my new environment.  
The work is quite different as well.  It is really neat to be on the other side of the research.  I have learned so much in the past week and a half.  A lot has been about the type of research Dr. Sharkey and his team is involved in.  And it is quite interesting.  


So in our family--yes it has been busy--but it's also been fun and interesting.  
Wishing everyone a peaceful week!

My big announcement

I haven't blogged in a while and it's because of my BIG announcement.
I got a new JOB!!!!!  I've sort of suspected it may happen but wasn't sure until last week.
I owe a huge thanks to my dear friend, Martha.
She put in a good word with me to Dr. Sharkey and he offered me a position to work on the administration side of his research grants.  I will be working at the Health Science Center--School of Rural Public Health.
I have made some fantastic friends at the Research Foundation and I will truly miss them the most.
This is huge for me and really does have a lot to do with Alan.  Losing him made me realize that I needed some sort of change.  It's been 5 years in the making and finally came full circle.
I am so excited for this new opportunity and can't wait to begin.
I started at the RF on 3/3/03 and I will start at HSC on 5/5/11.

Ashlie's big announcement

Ashlie applied to the Texas Academy of Mathematics and Sciences (TAMS) several months ago.  I thought she would apply and just receive a letter--thanks for applying but you do not meet our qualifications.  Well to my surprise--Ashlie got an invitation to interview day.  Don went with her and again I thought, well she's just going to go and they will say thanks for coming but you do not meet our qualifications.  


This mother is eating her words.  Ashlie was ACCEPTED to attend this outstanding high school. 


TAMS is a where a student attends for their junior and senior year of  high school at the University of North Texas in Denton.  The students take college courses and once they graduate from TAMS they earn at least 57 hours of college credit.


Ashlie is really excited about going but Don and I have not said yes for sure.  We have two weeks to discuss this outstanding opportunity and the pros and cons.  She would move to Denton for the next two years and live in a dorm on campus.


I do realize this is an excellent opportunity for her and do not wish to hold her back.  But at the same time, I really don't want her to leave home this soon.  I know the time will come eventually but I just didn't realize it could come this soon.


So as we go through the next two weeks, please ask God to give us the guidance we need in making the decision that is best for everyone involved.

That kind of feeling....

You know how some days you just feel UGH!  Don't really know why and just can't put a finger on it....
I've been feeling that way the past few days and really don't have a set reason.  The one thing I can kind of put a finger on is that April 9th is coming up and that #9 always gets me.  But it also happens to be one of my special friend's birthday--Happy Birthday Martha--so it's not all bad.


Thinking back on that first month after Alan died--the thing I remember most is how lonely I felt.  I thought I was the only person that had lost their baby.  And I wondered why everyone stopped calling after the first week or so.  Didn't they know how I felt?  Didn't they know I wanted to talk about him all the time?  Why didn't they know?????


I have learned it's just how people are and I even find myself guilty of it some times.  They get on with their lives and the events happening in their little worlds.  And a lot of people thought--I should just get over it.  Well you don't just get over losing your child.  And a lot of people didn't know how long we struggled with trying to conceive and as most know--age wasn't exactly on my side either.
So you don't just get over it ever.  You learn to deal.  You do what is best for you and if it makes others uncomfortable--so be it.  I have to do what is best for me so I can be the best mom my kids here on earth deserve and a mother that Alan would be proud of.  


I have said this before and I will say it again--these processes don't come easy.  It takes time.  Sometimes you feel like you are making wonderful strides and then all of a sudden you find yourself stumbling backwards and you wonder--where did that come from?  It came from this grief thing and the processes you go through on a daily, monthly and even yearly basis.  One being the number of the day that he died on.  Some months the 9th is harder than others.  Why--don't really know.


This weekend I will be attending my 2nd MEND leadership conference.  It's when all the directors and assistant directors get together to discuss the events of the different chapters.  Nobody judges you there because we are all alike.  We have all lost a child.  Some more than one.  And you can say whatever you want and nobody looks at you like you have lost your mind.
It's also my one weekend a year that I don't have a husband or child with me.  Until last year--I haven't had that in almost 16 years.  Almost didn't know what to do with myself!


As I go through these next few months--I have almost prepared myself for this roller coaster that I know I am going to be riding.  I just have to remind myself that after I reach the top again--I will be a stronger, better, woman, wife and mother.

A Week Full of Critters



So far the rest of this month has been rather peaceful for me but I think it is in part to so much going on in our little household.  Ashlie has been driving on her own now so I am left without a vehicle to get to work and so I have had to depend on someone else to take me and come get me and sometimes that can be kind of tricky. 

Took a day off during spring break and had a good day with the kids.  Met some friends and let the kids play at the park.  The little boys even had fun playing with my big girls.  They were playing tag.  So all the kids had a great time.

Last week was a week of critters for me.
Had one of these in our garage for a day.  And I really don't like lizard and especially when they are the size of alligators. 

Saturday cleaning at the camphouse, opened a couch to see if there were any blankets in the bottom of it and came eye-to-eye with one of these--

And yes it was staring at me with those beady little eyes.  Got a lot done and decided after the mouse sighting it was time to quit.

I know I grew up in the country but I do not like any of these little critters.

These next few weeks are going to be really busy.  Garage sale this weekend, MEND Leadership Conference the next weekend, party in LG meeting and visiting with our cousins from Germany the next and then it's Easter and who knows what May will bring.

I do  have to brag on Cayden.  He has been so good at going potty.  I think I am more excited about him being potty trained than he is.  It is such a huge relief for me.  And he is so excited every time he goes.  It is so heart warming to see the excitement on his face each time he uses potty.  He is so proud of himself.

I must say having two teenagers and a toddler keeps me busy and I think sometimes that is the best medicine I need during these trying times.  I don't really have time to sit and dwell on things.  Keeping busy keeps your mind occupied and keeping your mind occupied keeps you from missing what's not here.

We are one day  into this week and so far no critter sightings....and I am hoping for a critterless week.  So far, so good.

Wishing everyone a critterless week as well!!!!

Spring Break

These next 4 months are always difficult for me.  Or they have been for the past 5 years.  Especially spring break.  Spring Break 2006 we had planned a trip to Galveston to Moody Gardens.  We were staying at the hotel right by Moody Gardens and had all these things planned.  Then the week before we lost Alan and everything was turned upside down.
We talked with the doctor and nurses about if it was still safe for me to make the trip.  And they all said go enjoy yourself, relax, let your family take care of you.
Relax, enjoy--really?  I had just lost my baby and you are telling me to relax and enjoy. 
So we did go on our trip and I may have relaxed but I certainly did not enjoy myself.  I tried really hard because the girls were looking forward to this trip and I had to be "happy" for them but I was dying inside. 
Now I realize--it was the best thing we could have done.  We got away from everyone and had family time.  We had time together before we went back to the "real" world. 
We got back home after our trip and Don went back to work and the girls went back to school and I was at home by myself.  And I felt so lonely.  So very lonely.  Obviously I was the only person who had lost a baby.  Nobody knew what I was going through. 
Everybody talked about God's plan and I thought--it certainly was not God's plan for my baby to die.  But I have come to realize--it was not God's plan for my baby to die.  It was God's plan for me.  I really, really feel that had Alan not died--I would not be the mother I am today.
At the end of our MEND meetings--we go around and say something positive we feel that has come out of our loss.  Crazy I know--from my first meeting, I have always said losing Alan has made me a better mom.  I have learned to be more patient and I try to give them my undivided attention when they need to talk to me.
Everyone needs to realize--your kids are a precious gift.  And while at times they can try your patience to the very end, you are their first teacher and you need to guide them into their adult life.
So as I approach these last few days of Spring Break-I always think back to Spring Break 2006 and I am so proud of myself.  I know I have come a long, long way from that Spring Break and I am a much better mother.
Alan--I love you, I miss you and I thank you.